David Smallwood Our resident shrink gets you on his couch

This month I thought I’d talk about relationships with parents. Any relationship between a young guy (straight or gay) and his parents is automatically diffi cult. The transition from a dependent and largely submissive role as a 10-15 year old into an independent, assertive man is fraught with emotional pitfalls.

Hormones raging around a young male body give very confl icting messages, sending one from voice breaking and aggression to vulnerable and needy within seconds. Parents are not usually good at understanding this, and the inevitable conclusion is emotional confl ict. If we add homosexuality to the mix, it can result in a ticking timebomb. I think it’s safe to say that in most households, parents are heterosexual. The majority will therefore be confused and worried about their gay son. Some will be downright hostile. Either way, most will not know what to do. They almost certainly have noticed that their offspring is different. We gay guys are very sensitive to this, and so we are already feeling defensive.

When we come out/become men, there is therefore a mixture of confusion, vulnerability, and aggression. Even with very open and understanding parents, this emotional combination does not encourage a serene environment. If we are not careful, at this stage we can get involved in some acrimonious confrontations that may end up not speaking at all (sometimes for ever). Even when we do, the hurt caused stays with us and can irreparably colour the relationship. I would suggest that if we want a peaceful life with our parents, we should look at what we can do rather than listing what they “must” do.

If we are aware of the above, we have information that our parents may not ever understand. With this knowledge comes the responsibility for us to do what is needed to work at having a healthy relationship with them. They probably can’t, but you can!