Another month, another Loose Woman takes the test

A Name the magazine you made these headlines with: a) Loose Women Exclusive: It’s War! b) Colleen Exposed: Her Wild Sex Plan! c) I Lost 3 Stone And Now You Can Too!
CN I probably didn’t speak to any of them. The sex-plan thing and the Loose Women one will be stuff they’ve taken off Loose Women. There’ve been so many headlines where I’ve gone and bought the magazine to read about myself because I don’t know what I’ve done. One of them I was having a complete breakdown and I was on tour with my sisters and I told them to be careful with me because I was on the edge.
5/5 View all the magazine covers Coleen didn’t sanction on www.coleennolan.com

A What’s the gayest thing you ever done?
CN I had a night out on Canal Street recently. We ended up in a tranny bar. It was with my husband and our two best gay friends.
0/5 And this is why Canal Street is dead

A What is Amyl Nitrate?
CN Amyl Nitrate. I’ve heard of that. Isn’t it some kind of drug? Is it something to do with sex? It heightens sexual something or other.
0/5 Coleen, you need to get on to that Denise Welch. She knows the man who makes poppers

A What are you most guilty of?
Suppressing anger. When I do feel angry I tend to hold it in.
2/5 Let it out, girl, let it out.
A Who could you take in a mudfight? a) Claire Sweeney b) Carol McGriffin c) Denise Welch d.) You’re too scared of them to get in the ring
CN If I had to pick one it’d be Carol. I’d take her to the pub first. After two glasses of wine she can’t stand up .
4/5 Evil. Clever. Sinister. Atta gay.

A Have you met Denise Welch’s dad? He’s a drag queen called Raquel.
CN I know him as Vin. I don’t want to meet Raquel.
5/5 Tranny phobic. How very gay.

A Do you have a wet room in your house?
CN Yes. My favourite thing to do in my wet room? Get wet.
5/5 Hot

A You’ve had an erotic dream about Simon Cowell. What does a sexual attraction to powerful men with high waistlines say about you and Sinitta?
CN I don’t know about Sinitta, because she’s known him for years, but for me it makes me very shallow, because I think I was probably more sexually aroused by his wallet. It’s gotta be that. The dream wasn’t like sex, he was just so lovely. He was absolutely mad about me. It was a really romantic thing. I woke up and told my husband I was in love with Simon Cowell. He said he’s welcome to me.
3/5 C’mon Coleen! We all know the only romance we want out of Cowell is with what lies beneath the high-waisted trouserage

A How you do feel about jockstraps?
CN I think they are fine for a sporting event. I wouldn’t like my husband to constantly wear one.
0/5 “Sporting event”

A How do you feel about Simon Cowell in a jockstrap?
CN That makes me gag.
0/5 That’s the idea

A Have you ever eaten an Iceland Prawn Ring?
CN Yes. Yes! For pleasure, and work. I ate one at a house party of my brother’s long before I worked for Iceland. I remember laughing at it. I would recommend everybody to try my prawn ring.
5/5 That makes us gag.

A Your new book is about a talk show host whose clamour for the top TV job is sabotaged by a fellow icy presenter. Exactly what point after Kate Thornton joined Loose Women did inspiration hit?
CN The plotline has been there for many years. The plot was very much finished by the time Kate joined.
5/5 Foiled! What a clever gay you are, Coleen

A Please complete this ancient gay proverb: “Left alone with just a memory/Life seems dead and so unreal”
CN That’s Jane McDonald. You Don’t Have To Say You Love Me is one of Jane’s anthems in her show. [Is told that it was also Denise Welch’s single]. I didn’t even know Denise had done it, to be honest.
5/5 Next week in Woman Magazine: Coleen – What I Didn’t Know About Denise’s “Sordid”Pop Past

Total score 60/100
Wet dreams about Simon Cowell, Iceland shopper, Canal Street stalwart: Coleen Nolan could have the gay gene. But an unwillingness to be dragged into public bitching about Kate Thornton is clever, not gay. Soz, Colz.