Bainland Lodge Retreats in Lincolnshire review: A blissful woodland escape
"Remotely located nine miles from Metheringham train station, and set among 45 acres of silver birch woodland, our pond-side cabin was a lumberjack Barbie's dream house fantasy come to life," writes Attitude's Jamie Tabberer
We thought we’d be fine watching a horror movie in a wooden cabin surrounded by lush Lincolnshire countryside, given Lee Cronin’s The Mummy unfolds largely amid the sandy landscapes of Egypt and New Mexico. How wrong we were. We blame the nifty smart TV.
Not that this is a reason to avoid the beyond chic Bainland Lodge Retreats. Quite the opposite. The fact that its 45 acres of blissfully peaceful silver birch woodland can, on a dime, leave you mistaking ferns for faces (hilariously, in our case, from the comfort of a private hot tub) speaks volumes about the power of immersion in nature.
For city dwellers especially, Bainland’s tranquil, sylvan setting, under two miles from Woodhall Spa and nine miles from Metheringham train station, may discombobulate, but that’s all part of the deeply therapeutic process. Besides, our pond-side stopover – sweetly called the Dragonfly – was as far from cabin in the woods cliches as you can get.
This is lumberjack Barbie’s dream house, finished to perfection: all enticingly warm colour schemes and uniformly tasteful modern furniture. It is now this writer’s ambition in life to own a huge buttery leather sofa like the one pictured below. The gleaming, top-of-the-line kitchen is almost too impressive to use.
Everything errs on the side of luxury. We found ourselves admiring the generously stocked Le Creuset kitchenware as though each piece were an ornament. Opting for ELEMIS for the toiletries is a smart way to reinforce the retreat’s elevated sense of luxury, though we’d have welcomed more quantity.
There’s more ELEMIS at lovely The Spa at Bainland, with six treatments bearing the ELEMIS Expert™ designation, including the ELEMIS Expert™ Touch Define Facial and ELEMIS Expert™ Peaceful Pregnancy Massage, indicating that therapists are trained in ELEMIS’s professional methods and treatment protocols.
We opted for the ELEMIS Expert™ Deep Tissue Tension-Ease Massage and, despite initially appearing momentarily daunted by our claims of a staggering pain threshold, our therapist rose to the challenge, throwing themselves into the treatment with fantastic commitment, leaving no knot untouched and delivering an excellent massage. This person represented the retreat, like all the staff including on reception and in the restaurant, with relaxed, sunny energy.
The full restoration of our horror film-fried nervous system was complete with a visit to the spa’s steam, sauna and indoor swimming pool; all small but perfectly functional.
The highlight of our stay was The Nest: a cavernous, barn-style bar and restaurant, the delightfully busy decor of which took our breath away more than any interior we’ve seen this year.
Think chandeliers of divergent styles and sizes hanging from a slanted ceiling, artfully mismatched seating arrangements and an abundance of thriving greenery. A towering cabinet behind the bar, laden with eclectic curiosities and decorative objects, is a showstopper. A retractable glass wall opens the dining room onto the deck, where an immaculate lawn stretches, lending the space an airy, almost limitless sense of sprawl. It is extremely peaceful.
The blue sky thinking extends to the sensational food. Here, the Nest’s take on the standard pub classic of ‘Ham, Egg and Chips’ is borderline glamorous. Exceptional quality, honey glazed ham served from the joint, and more of it than we could eat. A jalapeño and apple and sage chutney to accompany is a flourish of good taste. The generous English breakfast, boasting Fiddling’s Lincolnshire sausage, is of similar quality.
Before taking in the breathtaking natural beauty extending for miles in all directions, check out the nicely designed Bainland website, which contains exhaustive information on local walks and cycle trails. Bikes can be hired on-site. Other bookable activities include archery, mini Land Rovers, tennis, badminton, a climbing wall and Segways.
A lasting memory came as we checked out, when we passed an army of smiling housekeeping staff arriving for duty. The sheer scale of the work in store goes some way to explaining the slightly earlier-than-usual 10am check-out and 4pm check-in times. Hats off to them for keeping Bainland looking so immaculate.
For more information, visit bainland.co.uk.