Kavana on life as a closeted gay pop star in the 90s: ‘I was terrified of having a one night stand’ (EXCLUSIVE)

You are incredibly honest in the book about some of your darkest moments. How hard was it to be this vulnerable?

I decided from the very beginning of writing it to be as honest on the page as I could about whichever stories I would be telling. I also wanted to write something I’d want to read myself. I connect to books that go to places maybe others don’t, not for shock value but to exorcise the shame we carry and to bring it to light. I tried the ghostwriter thing, but it just wasn’t working. I don’t say that in some earnest, ‘I must control everything’ way, but I’ve always been an open book – sometimes too open – so I thought I’d go for it and the more vulnerable I allowed myself to be, the more weirdly better I felt. I guess they call it cathartic for a reason after all.

In the book you write about discovering your sexuality, and at the same time you were experiencing huge fame. What impact did this have on you?

I think I felt so lucky to be having this amazing opportunity happen to me, I was willing to sacrifice not having a sex life as such. I wasn’t allowed to be openly gay; in fact, I was pretty terrified of anyone finding out. Impact-wise, I think it halted my development in that department. I was actually a virgin until I was almost 20! It was just impossible to experiment, as I was either away on tour playing the straight popstar role or going to the odd gay nightclub once in a blue moon with a baseball cap on, plus I’d discovered drink and drugs by that point so that filled the gap of any real connection with someone and I was terrified of having a one night stand in case the person sold a story on me. 

How important were magazines like Attitude to you?

I remember feeling so relieved when Attitude came out! Attitude gave young lads like me a chance to buy a magazine with gay culture and fashion in it – and let’s face it, hot guys – and still be a bit undercover at the till! I bought the first edition with Boy George on the front and read it cover to cover. To then have a feature in it myself followed by my very own cover was just brilliant.

You tell a very funny story in the book about trying to use your Attitude front cover to bag a flight upgrade and spotting your record label-mate friend, Victoria Beckham…

Oh yes, that is one of a few funny stories in there, without giving too much away, let’s just say using a magazine – this very one – with yourself on the cover can only work wonders for an upgrade at the BA check-in for so long… Unless there’s a Spice Girl on the same flight!

In the book you write about some of the biggest highs and lowest lows in your life. What do you want readers to take away from it?

This is ultimately an addiction memoir. Of course, it can’t help but have some 90s pop escapades in it too, but I want people to read it and know they are not alone if they are struggling or have been through something similar. Forget the fame thing – I was addicted to the feeling of fame, and it failed me every time because it’s fleeting and never enough. I don’t take for granted where I am today. The odds of me staying alive three and a half years ago were not great, so the least I can do is share my story and hope others connect to it and feel seen or know they aren’t alone. 

What would you say was the biggest moment for you from your career to date that you talk about in the book?

I think being able to buy my parents a house aged 18, is up there. Winning Best Male Artist dressed as Superman at the Smash Hits Poll Winners’ Party awards for sure. Moving to Hollywood by myself at 21?! I mean I have to admire the young me as I certainly was driven! A lifetime ban from Loose Women?! It’s in the book!

You are sober now. How therapeutic has it been to write the book?

It’s been a process for sure. I haven’t actually been able to read it since I wrote it and recorded the audio, as it was such a stream of consciousness at times, a lot of late nights, meeting deadlines, word counts, imposter syndrome and so on. But now it’s out there and people are connecting with it, it’s just the best feeling ever, I am honestly blown away by the feedback so far. That’s where the therapy for me is. I’m just really grateful to be back to be honest, even if it is in warts-and-all book form! 

Pop Scars by Anthony Kavanagh is out now (Blink Publishing, £22.00), also available in eBook and Audio.