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Joan Rivers: 15 of the late comedian’s most memorable zingers

The acerbic comedian died six years ago today - but that razor tongue lives in infamy.

By Will Stroude

Today marks six yearsyears since the world lost Joan Rivers. And what a loss it was.

Needless to say, Rivers was a true icon: From her close-to-the-bone comedy, outspokenness online legendary one-liners on E!’s Fashion Police, her sassy antics live on in the wake of her untimely death on 4 September 2014.

A longtime ally of the LGBT community, Joan’s place in the gay Hall of Fame was assured when it emerged she’d left a portion of her $150 million dollar estate to an AIDS charity after her passing.

In tribute to the late, great, comedian, here are 15 of the greatest lines from her colourful career…

Joan on… exercise:

“I don’t excercise. If God had wanted me to bend over, he would have put diamonds on the floor.”

On marriage:


“My husband killed himself. And it was my fault. We were making love and I took the bag off my head.”

On Miley Cyrus:

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“Miley Cyrus bought $20,000 in Dior lingerie after wearing it at a shoot. She loves it so much, she might start wearing panties every day.”

On cosmetic surgery:

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“With all the plastic surgery I’ve had I’m worried that when I die, God won’t recognise me!”

On sex:


“I blame my mother for my poor sex life. All she told me was ‘the man goes on top and the woman underneath.’ For three years my husband and I slept in bunk beds.”

On gay marriage:

NEW YORK, NY - AUGUST 15: (EXCLUSIVE ACCESS, SPECIAL RATES APPLY) TV personality Joan Rivers officiates the gay wedding of William "Jed" Ryan (L) and Joseph Aiello at the Plaza Athenee on August 15, 2014 in New York City. (Photo by Michael Loccisano/Getty Images)

“I am so against it because all my gay friends are out. And if they get married, it will cost me a fortune in gifts.”

On the Kardashians:


“As a wedding gift, Ray J gave Kim Kardashian his profits from their sex tape. It’s ‘Something Old’ as well as ‘Something Blew’.”

On parenthood:

For Sunday Features - Melissa Rivers and her mother Joan Rivers. For use with Barbara Hoffman feature. Courtesy Melissa Rivers

“Don’t tell your kids you had an easy birth or they won’t respect you. For years I used to wake up my daughter and say, ‘Melissa you ripped me to shreds. Now go back to sleep.’”

“I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio.”

On new-born babies:


“They always look like Renée Zellweger pushed against a glass window.”

On the Boy George:


“Boy George is all England needs – another queen who can’t dress.”

On Bieber:


“Justin Bieber is going to be the new face of Calvin Klein underwear. We’ve gone from Marky Mark to Douchey Douche.”

On aging:

1969, American comedian Joan Rivers laughs while hosting the television program 'That Show'. (Photo by Getty Images/Getty Images)

“A study says owning a dog makes you 10 years younger. My first thought was to rescue two more, but I don’t want to go through menopause again.”

On that acerbic wit:


“My routines come out of total unhappiness. My audiences are my group therapy.”

Rest in power, Joan. We’re raising one to you.