Happy birthday Joan Rivers! Her zingiest ever one-liners
By Nick Levine
The one and only Joan Rivers turns 81 today (June 8), so we thought we’d celebrate with some of her zingiest ever one-liners (and a few slightly-longer-than-one-liners).
Yes, the woman who’s surely got a facelift loyalty card by now can really dish it out – Christina, Lindsay, Angelina, you might want to look away now – but let’s not forget Joan makes herself the butt of the joke quite a lot, too.
Happy birthday Joan – and stay outrageous.
Joan on… Adele.
“What is her song, Rolling in the Deep? She should add ‘fried chicken’.”
Joan on… Angelina Jolie.
“All Angelina Jolie wants to do is do good for people. And she was saying to me, ‘If I could just make one person happy, Joan, I’ll die satisfied.’ I said, ‘Easy! Just give Jennifer Aniston back her husband.'”
Joan on… Bill and Hillary’s relationship.
Joan on… Camilla Parker-Bowles.
“She’s so ugly, at airports they make her frisk herself.”
Joan on… Lindsay Lohan.
“I was just reading about the new Lindsay Lohan diet, which is all liquid – 80 proof.”
Joan on… pop divas.
Joan on… her namesake.
“Joan Collins told a reporter that she hasn’t had plastic surgery – come on, she’s had more tucks than a motel bed sheet.”
Joan on… Christina Aguilera.
“I’m at Spago’s with [my daughter] Melissa, and we’re eating dinner, and Fatso is across the way, and she comes lumbering over with that no-neck look… And I go, ‘Here it comes.’ She comes over to my table and says, ‘You gonna finish that?'”
Joan on… the etiquette when meeting a fellow celeb.
Joan on… the etiquette when meeting a fellow celeb, part 2.
Joan on… new-born babies.
“They always look like Renée Zellweger pushed against a glass window.”
Joan on… motherhood.
“Don’t tell your kids you had an easy birth or they won’t respect you. For years I used to wake up my daughter and say, ‘Melissa you ripped me to shreds. Now go back to sleep.'”
Joan on… the death of her husband.
“My husband killed himself. And it was my fault. We were making love and I took the bag off my head.”
Joan on… being a domestic goddess.
“Don’t cook. Don’t clean. No man will ever make love to a woman because she waxed the linoleum. ‘My God, the floor’s immaculate! Lie down, you hot bitch.'”
Joan on… her sex life.
“I had this old guy give me a hickey recently – he left his teeth in my neck.”
Joan on… sisterly love.
Joan on… gay marriage.
“I am so against it because all my gay friends are out. And if they get married, it will cost me a fortune in gifts.”
Joan on… her looks.
“I’ve had so much plastic surgery, when I die they’ll donate my body to
Tupperware.”
Joan on… dying.
“At my funeral, I want Meryl Streep crying in five different accents.”
Joan on… retiring.
“And do what? Make my friends laugh? Travel around and pay for it myself?
Joan on… her next tour.
Happy birthday Joan! We hope you don’t bump into Christina at Spago’s tonight…