‘”Are you clean?” should be banned from Grindr – and we all have a role in making it happen’

This series of I Kissed a Boy is more fun and sexy than ever, but also the bravest yet in spotlighting the issues our community faces. It’s a sun-soaked fantasy, where there is always a handsome housekeeper round the corner, a Minogue on tap and a secret garden for a not-so-secret tryst, but at its heart, it’s all about people’s very real lives. 

We have watched with joy at contestant Lars opening up about life as a gay trans man (and subsequently with horror at some of the transphobic responses). Now, in the latest episode, Adam, marketing manager from Reading, shared with the other contestants that he was living with HIV. All dating requires vulnerability, but stigma around HIV adds jeopardy when telling anyone, let alone potential partners. The other boys called him ‘brave’ – it shouldn’t be so, but when you consider only one-in-eight people living with HIV has told most friends and family, you see it really is something to tell the whole country on a BBC television show. 

In a moving moment, Adam spoke about how his medication means he lives a healthy life, and that by taking one pill a day he can be sure he won’t pass it on during sex. Terrence Higgins Trust is loud and proud about how HIV has changed and the latest science. We’ve just launched a new and sexy campaign in Brighton, which shares the message that people living with HIV on treatment can’t pass it on during sex. With public support, we hope we can take it national. 

In Dannii Minogue’s dating villa, Adam shares his journey to understanding what it means to live with HIV and, most poignantly, the persistent stigma he faces, particularly on dating apps. 

“Are you clean?” is a phrase familiar to anyone who uses Grindr. It’s used to ask about someone’s sexual health, but more specifically about their HIV status. It’s a phrase that is so casually cruel. As Adam puts it on the show, “Does that make me dirty because I have HIV?” 

Adam’s experience speaks to the heart of how we connect as a community. For a huge number of us, dating and hook-up apps are a key part of how we meet people, express our sexuality and form relationships. They should be space for fun and for pleasure – and for most of us, they are. We don’t talk enough about how they can be space that perpetuate stigma and trauma for people living with HIV. And often racism, transphobia and body-shaming too. 

So, to those who still don’t quite get it, let me spell it out: having HIV does not make someone dirty. Our community has borne the significant burden of HIV, and homophobia and HIV stigma are close cousins. When we let this cruel language persist, we harm people living with HIV, but we also harm our whole community.  

This is just the tip of the iceberg of the stigma that people with HIV too often face on dating apps. At the height of It’s a Sin mania, Luke Kelly told his friends and everyone on Instagram he was living with HIV. The response was amazing. Days later he included his HIV status on his Grindr profile, thinking that the positivity would continue. Within three days, this handsome man who had done many a modelling gig, had changed it back because of the scale and relentlessness of the abuse he received. 

Dating and hook-up apps need to step up and act now. They need to update their community guidelines to specifically prohibit phrases like “Are you clean?”, the apps should educate their users on why they’re making this change and repeat offenders should be banned. 

But a technology fix alone won’t cut it: this is about how we treat each other. We – the users of those apps – also need to reflect. If you, like me, got teary on your sofa watching Adam talk about what he has been through, or if you think of yourself as an ally to people living with HIV, then be the change you want to see. 

It is obviously legitimate to ask about how people protect their sexual health and potentially yours. Check if they have tested recently and know their status. Legit to ask if they use condoms, and if not, are they on PrEP or HIV medication. It’s good to lead with your recent test date and prevention tool of choice, but not “Are you clean”.

If someone asks you the dreaded question or has other stigmatising language about HIV in their profile, challenge them. And if they don’t change it? Block them, report them, move on. 

Adam was greeted with love and understanding when he shared his status in the masseria. Every person living with HIV deserves the same. As a community, we need to step up to make that happen. One kiss at time. 

Richard Angell OBE is Chief Executive of Terrence Higgins Trust. To learn more about Richard and the team’s work, check out the organisation’s official website.