The six commandments of gay social networking
Guys, I think it’s high time that we did some housekeeping regarding our communal approach to social networking. I know the whole point is to make celebrities of us all, enabling each other to live in under the mass delusion that the whole world finds us as fascinating as we find ourselves. There’s no point in complaining about something which is, fundamentally, a catalyst for narcissism (anyone who claims they haven’t scrolled through their own pictures, trying to guess what a stranger would make of their life, is lying.) Believe me, I’m just as unbearable as the rest of you… BUT we have to draw the line somewhere. I suggest we start by following these six commandments…
Thou shalt not hashtag #gay on Instagram
Look, I’m as thirsty for attention as the next Instagrammer, but every time I see a homosexual captioning his pictures #Gay a part of me withers and dies. It’s embarrassing and reductive, not to mention desperate. Besides, surely any vague prestige associated with potential extra likes is immediately voided when they’ve been harvested from the kind of mouth-breathers who browse the gay hashtag. Unacceptable. Same goes for #Instagay #GayBoy and – obviously – #GayFollow.
Thou shalt not be a Grindr douchebag
In case you haven’t already, take the time to visit douchebagsofgrindr.com to see the worst that gay culture has to offer – a stew of racism, body fascism and self-hating homophobia which will be a familiar sight to anyone who’s ever stumbled across a profile insisting on: ‘no femmes, no fatties, no Asians, no blacks, masc only, my age or younger.’ It’s a depressing indicator of how the internet age has helped to replace a culture of sexual freedom with segregation – not to mention, terrible manners. Obviously it’s fine to have sexual preferences, we all do, but it’s equally easy not to be a dick about them. It is your social responsibility never to fuck anyone with any of the above on their profile (‘no offence, it’s just not what I’m into’).
Thou shalt not document ‘leg days’
People who bang on about going to the gym are the worst. Actually, they’re the second worst, after people who photograph their progress, alongside #ArmDays and #LegDays captions. As far as I’m concerned, if you have arms and legs, every day is an arms/legs day.
Thou shalt not use charitable works as a smoke screen
It’s interesting isn’t it, how some gay guys become unusually charitably minded when there’s an interconnected opportunity to show off all that aforementioned work in the gym – whether that’s by tipping a bucket of ice water over their naked torso, or putting their cock in a sock. It’s especially interesting when they forget to include the donation text number, or any reference to the relevant charity, or to actually send any money. Almost as if they don’t actually care about cancer, and just wanted everyone to see their pecs.
Thou shalt not say ‘ICYMI’
In case you didn’t know, ICYMI is an acronym for ‘In case you missed it’, used when re-posting something which didn’t receive the desired traction the first time. Unfortunately, we didn’t miss it, we just weren’t that interested. Life’s hard.
Thou shalt not post inspirational quotes
https://instagram.com/p/4Yzqp3Plnr/
Come on guys, we’re better than this. You know we are. (There are rare exceptions to this rule, including Geri Halliwell: ‘I’m famous enough that the paparazzi want to sit outside my house. They don’t sit outside Mel C’s house.’)
Words by JOE STONE
This column originally appeared in Attitude issue 257. If you like what you read, you can sink your teeth into Joe’s latest column by grabbing our latest issue at Pocketmags.com/Attitude. (digital).
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