John Whaite: Madonna and Child? More like Madge vs Gaga!
By Nick Levine
A mother and her gay son are often more like best mates than parent and child. Take my mother Linda for example. Most mothers reproach their children for the use of bad language and vulgarity, but not Linda.
My boyfriend and I were in the kitchen one morning playing with our cat, Pixie, and in she sauntered wearing her usual silk dressing gown with her hair in disarray and ruddy red cheeks (she’s Nigella Lawson trapped in a farmer’s body). Without even wishing us “good morning” or looking up from her coffee cup she simply remarked: “I thought you two didn’t like pussy!” This should make it quite clear how well we get on!
In spite of this, though, by December 1st mum and I have regressed from the impenetrable closeness of the Madonna and child to the jealous bitchiness of Madge and Gaga! And this isn’t even because I have more embellished wrapping paper and a bigger tree than her. No, our festive fiendishness all starts in the kitchen…
Linda is one of those women who makes a perfect meal then fishes for compliments at the end. “I’m sorry I’ve let you all down,” she’ll mutter with seeking rhetoric – because she knows she’s an amazing cook. Our gastro warrior definitely meets her match at Christmas though, when I enter the culinary ring. Our usual joyous joking and profanity is reduced to a tense, competitive nothingness. Our festive theme tune isn’t Frosty the Snowman, but rather the threatening whir of the food processor as I blitz breadcrumbs for the stuffing, while she hastily bastes the turkey.
Even Linda, indestructible, witty Linda, cannot compete with this recipe for my Individual Apple Strudels. She usually revels in requests from friends for her boiled ham, but now she has to share that glory with me, her wretched offspring, as I fulfil strudel orders too.
So if you suffer from competitive Christmas mother syndrome, this is the recipe for you.
Individual Apple Strudels
Makes 6
When I visit the Manchester Christmas Markets – probably twice a day all December – I treat myself to a strudel soaked in custard. The soft apples and spices are so heart-warming, and the strudel makes me feel merry and festive. I wanted to create a version that could be served as pudding at any time of year, and so I created these gorgeous strudelettes filled with soft sweet apples, cranberries, walnuts and marzipan. I serve them with hot custard and cold ice cream.
Ingredients
8 medium Granny Smith apples
150g caster sugar
150g dried sweetened cranberries
2 tbsp whisky
200g walnuts, chopped
200g marzipan, frozen 30 minutes before use
12 sheets of filo pastry
125g unsalted butter, melted
Icing sugar to dust
Essential equipment
Pastry brush
Baking sheet, lined with baking paper
1. Preheat the oven to 200°C/Gas 6.
2. Peel and core the apples and dice them into 1cm cubes. Place immediately in a mixing bowl with the caster sugar, cranberries, whisky and walnuts and mix together, so the apples don’t get a chance to go brown. Remove the marzipan from the freezer and grate into bowl. Place to one side until needed.
3. Remove the filo pastry from its packet and unfold/unroll it. Lay the piled sheets on the worktop and cover them with a dampened tea towel; otherwise they dry out.
4. Take one sheet of filo and paint it with melted butter, then place another sheet neatly on top and paint that with butter too. Spoon about a sixth of the filling on to the filo in a fat sausage shape about 5cm from one short edge, leaving about 2.5cm of pastry free at each side. Gently pull the 5cm of filo over the filling, fold the sides up, then roll the filling up in the pastry. It should resemble an oversized spring roll. Place this on the baking sheet, seam-side under, and repeat. You should end up with 6 strudels.
5. Paint the strudels with the remaining butter and sprinkle generously with icing sugar. Bake for 15 minutes, then reduce the heat to 180°C/Gas 4 and bake for 20–25 minutes more. Allow to cool slightly before sprinkling with more icing sugar and serving.