Giving head(lines): Bourgeois and Maurice take on the news
Hey World! This week you’ve given us maniacs with guns, knives and far-left ideologies. We just couldn’t do this column without you. Read on, for the week’s biggest news stories:The Lion King
American teeth bleaching enthusiast, Walter Palmer, caused uproar in the US this week, when it was revealed he had killed Zimbabwe’s most famous lion. The feline celebrity, known singularly as “Cecil”, was a protected creature and apparently one of the country’s greatest tourist attractions. Kind of like Madonna. In some kind of low-rent Disney meets Little Shop of Horrors meets Game of Thrones rip off, floss-fanatic Palmer used a bow and arrow to maim the beloved creature, allowing it to die slowly and painfully. Kind of like Madonna. Some yankee-doodle hippies got their knickers in a twist about all this brutal killing and pointless violence, and protested outside Palmer’s Minnesotan dental clinic with peace-loving signs such as “rot in hell”, whilst PETA took the higher moral ground and called for Palmer to be extradited and hanged. Kind of like Madonna.
Plane Debris Found
Authorities suspect that plane debris washed on to the shore of an Indian Ocean island could be from missing flight MH370, which disappeared in March last year. The debris, which includes the remains of a suitcase, is being transported to France for investigations. An unfortunate irony, and the sort of thing you’re more likely to find in American Horror Story than real life, is that the island where the debris was found is called Reunion.
Six stabbed at Jerusalem Gay Pride
A deeply disturbed and sexually repressed individual (religious, obviously) attacked a Gay Pride march in Jerusalem with a knife, injuring six people before being tackled to the ground. Photos show the attacker moments before he took out his knife and went into the crowd, causing chaos and scenes which an onlooker described as ‘marching through blood’, which is a phrase that will echo in our minds next time we’re marching through a sea of Starbucks cups in Soho and complaining that Pride doesn’t matter anymore. Side note – it’s tempting to call this guy a religious maniac but connecting this to any sort of belief system almost gives reason to this sort of violence. Religion doesn’t hurt people, absolute fucking batshit mental morons do.
Jeremy Corbyn
Listen up sinners, there’s a new J.C. in town. The false idols of yesteryear are over, Jesus Christ is dead, long live Jeremy Corbyn. Comrade “only been nominated for a LOL” Corbyn has been continuing to take the country by storm, dumbfounding all other politicians with his devil may care attitude to PR and policies of “things I actually believe in”. He may look like a scruffy deputy head teacher of an underperforming comprehensive in Hull, but this is connecting with all the underachieving pupils in the land. Young Labour voters are looking back with nostalgia and regret at the errors of their youth and thinking things like ‘I was a dick to my teachers’ and ‘I wish I’d listened more in maths, it’s actually pretty important when you’re self-employed’, and of course ‘why the fuck did I like that popular kid Tony Blair? He was a prick.’ Oh, Mr Corbyn we are your followers, can you improve the standards of this school? Can you help the UK get 5 grades A*-C?
Calvin Klein acknowledge the existence of gays
The man who convinced the world that white elasticated briefs are a luxury commodity has once again achieved the impossible by making late night drunken messaging on Grindr seem high fashion. The jeans giant has declared that gays are very on trend right now, featuring a series of same-sex couples in his latest ad campaign, with sexting chats superimposed over them.
Felippe seems pretty persuasive so we’ll assume he’s the top here, and we’ll call the guy underneath with the dead eyes and expression of forced resignation Mr Access Denied. We reckon he’ll loosen up a bit when Felipe finally takes off his leather jacket and fetches him a glass of water. Mr Access Denied is obviously having trouble focussing. It’s 5am for god’s sake. He’s off his tits. He wore that jumper cos he thought he was cold but actually it’s boiling now. Shit, get it off, he’s sweating like a 20 stone drag queen in spandex. He has to be up in two hours for his SATs exams. What will school say if he’s late? Oh god, this seemed like a good idea at home. What if Felipe is a psycho? Look at this apartment, it’s totally Patrick Bateman. Oh shit, Mr Access Denied, what have you got yourself into?
We think that’s the narrative Calvin Klein are pushing here. Also the subtext ‘nude private photos work best’ seems a weird message for a clothing brand but we’ll trust the sexperts.
That’s all folks. Next week we’ll only be covering nice stories in the media so this column will be one sentence long. Send any newsworthy stories to us @bourgmaurice and remember to share this column with everyone you’ve ever known and almost loved.
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