7 things you’re guaranteed to see at any Pride
This article first appeared in Attitude Issue 272, July 2015.
To celebrate Pride season, Attitude columnist Joe Stone takes us through seven things you’re guaranteed to see at Pride from “religious nutjobs” to “supportive parents”, Stone’s covered it all.
A rogue marcher
My favourite feature of any UK Pride is the passer-by who pops out to the shops, gets swept up in the parade and ends up being really into it. If the much-feared “gay agenda” actually existed, this is how we’d recruit.
Religious nutjobs getting their sackcloths in a bunch
It’s sort of comforting that the dwindling number of protestors who pad down to Pride marches look increasingly forlorn. I know it’s meant to be intimidating that you think I’m going to hell, but you look so cute in that bonnet that I can’t be mad at you (last year one of the old ladies looked so much like my late grandma that I kind of wanted to buy her a cup of tea and put her down for a nap, if I didn’t think she’d bite me for trying.)
Also, you’ve totally lost. We’ve got gay marriage, we win an amazing 40 per cent of talent shows and it’s only a matter of time until we have Madonna elected into the monarchy. At this point, I almost feel sorry for you for wasting your Saturdays.
I’m certainly not going to stand and argue with you. It seems to me that there’s as much chance of me changing your mind as there is of you converting me to Christianity by screaming at me outside a McDonald’s. Let’s just agree to enjoy each other’s outfits — mostly yours — and leave it at that, OK?
Someone dressed as Dorothy from The Wizard of Oz
I’m all for honouring historic LGBT icons but can’t we mix it up slightly? Throw in a Dirrty-era Christina Aguilera, or a present-day Jesy Nelson. Buffy Summers, you know, the vampire slayer, seems pretty gay from where I’m sitting. Can’t someone be her for a change?
Inappropriate corporate sponsorship
Whatever your feelings on the depoliticisation and commercialisation of Pride, I think we can all agree that the radical roots of the movement are somewhat undermined when Burger King start selling the “Proud Whopper” (as they did in 2014 to coincide with San Francisco Pride).
An inscription on the rainbow wrapper read, “we are all the same inside”. Sure, the fact that huge corporate sponsors want to hop on the bandwagon is a heartening sign of increased acceptance but should Lesbians and Gays Support the Miners be bumped from the front of any Pride parade in favour of those bastions of LGBT equality, Starbucks? Probably not.
A sunburnt, drunk girl crying on a curb
Don’t judge. We have all been that girl at some time or other.
The overly-supportive parent
As typified by my friend Kath’s mum who, on learning that she had a gay daughter, erected a rainbow flag at the front of her house (I’m not making this up). These days when Kath introduces a friend, her mum is plainly disappointed if they are not gay. Garden varieties are often seen sporting pink cowboy hats for reasons known only to themselves!
A group in gimp masks
As much of a Pride mainstay as slightly past-their-best divas appearing on the main stage to mime through dance remixes of their early Noughties hits. The years will roll by, governments will come and go, civilisations will rise and fall and still at least 7 per cent of Pride attendees will insist on wearing pleather horse masks. Best of luck to them, I say.
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