Should you always split the bill on a date? Four voices offer their take 

Few parts of dating spark as much quiet debate as the bill arriving at the end of the night. Should the person who asked pay? Is splitting the fairest option? Or does picking up the tab still carry meaning in an era where traditional dating rules are increasingly being rewritten?

In this edition of Foursight, James Max, Roselyn Xavier, Fred Roberts and Steve Denyer share their views on who should pay on a date. From old-school etiquette and modern equality to navigating queer dating and avoiding awkward expectations, their answers reveal that there’s no universal rule – only different ideas about generosity, fairness and what paying (or not paying) says about the kind of relationship you want to build.

James Max – Broadcaster, FT columnist and Royal Albert Hall president

No. Romance should not be conducted with a calculator. Especially if the date coincides with a birthday or celebration. Be generous!

However, you should always offer to chip in because it signals basic decency and awareness that money, like conversation, shouldn’t be one-sided. The offer matters more than the outcome. It’s social lubrication, not a financial audit.

On a first date, the terrain is different. If one person has done the asking, it’s perfectly reasonable for them to take the hit, graciously, without theatrics. The other should still reach for their wallet, if only to avoid looking like they’ve arrived for a free tasting menu.

Fast-forward a few dates, and things ought to evolve into a sort of civilised ping-pong. One pays this time, the other the next. No tally charts, no passive-aggressive mental arithmetic. Just a rhythm. Because relationships, like good dinners, aren’t about exact division. They’re about balance, generosity and occasionally picking up the bill without turning it into a United Nations negotiation.

Roselyn Xavier – Digital marketing manager, Accenture

Is a bill really ever just a bill? When dating, it’s a little test of values, expectations and chemistry.

As a bisexual woman, I’ve noticed the dynamic shifts depending on whom I’m dating. With women or other queer folks, it is usually the easiest and most natural, as we tend to take turns without making it a big deal. One person pays this time, maybe because they organised it or suggested the place, and then the other the next time. It feels equal, relaxed and genuinely fair.

With men, I will admit I sometimes fall back into heteronormative dating habits. If the waiter comes over and hands him the bill or they insist on paying, I usually let them. Not because I expect it, but because arguing about it feels silly when I can just accept and appreciate the gesture.

However, if I’m out with someone and I know that I don’t want to see them again, I will always split the bill. It keeps things clear, clean and respectful. 

Overall, I try to approach who pays on a date in a way that reflects my intentions, boundaries and the kind of relationship dynamic I want to build.

Fred Roberts – Singer

Splitting the bill on a date makes the most sense now, especially in gay dating, where there isn’t the same traditional “the man pays” dynamic. If anything, I think it exposes how outdated that whole system is. Those rules only existed because of gender expectations and stereotypes in the first place, and I think we’ve mostly outgrown that way of thinking – or at least it doesn’t resonate with me.

I also think modern dating comes with a lot of hidden expectations. Usually, you’re meeting someone for the first time through an app and don’t know what kind of vibe they’re bringing. If someone is adamant about paying, sometimes it is genuinely generous, but it can also introduce a power dynamic or create an unspoken expectation. I’m definitely an overthinker, so splitting the bill removes that ambiguity and takes the pressure off both people.

Obviously, there are exceptions. If someone invites me somewhere expensive, then I’ll happily enjoy a free meal – I’m not stupid! Separately, if we basically ordered the same thing, I’m not calculating who owes an extra £2. Once you know each other better, alternating who pays feels natural.

Steve Denyer – Presenter, Virgin Radio UK

I’ve only recently started dating again, and I had to get used to the rules quickly and, more specifically, set my rules. My general rule for dating is this: if I suggest the date, I pay. Which is usually the case. Obviously, if it’s uncomfortable for the guy in question, then I’m happy to go halves – but it’s a bit awkward. On a number of levels, paying is a bonus. It shows manners, and it’s a good way to end a date if you think there is not going to be a follow-up (I’m just being honest).

Initially, I found it hard to tell on a first date how things work, and I’ve got it wrong before. I’d hate to suggest a date and organise the place, and for the other person to not be comfortable with footing a bill because of their budget. Don’t get me wrong: if the other person immediately suggests that they pay, I won’t put up a fight – although I have to say that it is a rarity. My problem with letting the date pay is I don’t want it to automatically suggest that there will be a second date if it’s not going well. 

You can probably tell I’m still working it out – and still very much single!

This feature appears in Attitude’s July/August 2026 issue.