Giving head(lines): Bourgeois & Maurice tackle Taylor, Obama and more
It’s over. The week’s done. Breathe it out guys you made it. Now quit whatever you’re doing, pour a nice long glass of WKD Blue on the rocks and kick back with us, your favourite news hounds, as we pick over the stinking carcass of the week’s top stories…Taylor bit the Apple
The main discussion round the vodka cooler here at B&M HQ this week has been Taylor Swift. Specifically – is she the Second Coming? There’s something very Jesus-y about the eyes y’know? And always working miracles. This week, with the sort of casual meh-ness that we might adopt to, say, pick an old scab, Taylor took on the might of Apple. And won. The fruity little schemesters at Steve Jobs Inc planned to let customers trial their new music streaming service for free, without paying artists any royalties. Taylor wasn’t into this so, with barely a flicker of those lovely almond eyes, she uttered some strongly critical words into the internetsphere and Apple promptly changed its mind. Hooooray!
Of course, IF (and obvs that’s a really big IF) we were conspiracy theorists, we could say it all seems a bit too neat and convenient. Taylor is one of the most famous omissions from Spotify’s catalogue so wouldn’t it be a real coup if Apple could get her on their side? And wouldn’t it be also really great if, in return, Taylor could make Apple look less like a gigantic corporation with an unstoppable thirst for human flesh, and more like a gang of cool dudes in stonewashed jeans with hearts of gold, who actually listen to consumers? We’re not implying it could be all a heavily choreographed PR campaign, we’re just saying it’s a really great story and a nice headline and cool way to get some attention for an online music streaming service that looks in most other respects, just like all the others. We love you Taylor. Call us.
House of Cards
It all got a bit awks and Abigail’s Party over at Obama’s flat this week. Bazza got his panties in a bunch when one upstart didn’t compliment him on his cocktail sausages and vol au vents. Instead the cheeky woman dared to challenge him on the rights of LGBTQ immigrants being detained. Prez Baz put her in her place by saying “you’re in my house” and wagging his finger. Mega LOL. Although strangely he didn’t follow that up with “which was paid for by the American people, and is only mine for a short period of time whilst I work to serve the citizens of this country”. He ended on a nice note though, telling her that “you can either stay and be quiet, or we’ll have to take you out.” Yeah just shut up and have a Cinzano, Beverly?
Glastonbury and Pride
It’s a big weekend for fans of shit music- Glastonbury festival AND Pride London. We like both these ideas in theory but one means being surrounded by middle-class hippies in a post-apocalyptic wasteland, and the other one is in Somerset.
Greece?
At the time of writing Greece still existed. We cannot guarantee that this will be the case when you’re reading this.
In other EU news
Cameron took his boiled egg face to a bash in Brussels on Thursday for a real good whinge about how hard life is in the UK and how hard it is to get an Ocado delivery on a Sunday etc etc. You know those fashion girls who drink too much and then cry at parties when they don’t get enough attention? That was David.
One of our mates in the EU council live streamed the whole thing on Periscope, so we can give you a quick rundown of what happened: basically, everyone’s having a laugh then Cameron arrives to be a greeted by a sea of eye-rolls. Dave marches over to Francois Hollande and says “WTF bae?! You can make time to come to a party, but you can’t make time for your friends.” Francois is like “babes, we’re talking about the Mediterranean migrant crisis”. So Dave goes over to Angela Merkel and bites his lip till he cries and Ange goes “David we’re actually trying to sort out Greece and stop their economy from collapsing, whilst not holding their citizens to ransom”. And Dave goes “But I want to talk about welfare entitlements in the UK! Why isn’t anyone listening to me? You’re all super mean. This is not fetch!” At which point the whole of Europe backed away, smiling politely and making a mental note to unfollow him on Twitter when they got home.
Anti-Austerity March
Last Saturday tens of thousands of people turned up in London to hear Kylie sing. Oh no, sorry that was Sunday. Saturday was the austerity thing. Yeah, we don’t know much about that. Something about living conditions, workers rights, eroding the fabric of society or something? Are we on the right lines? Nah sorry we give up – sounds cool though, is it on next year? Can we get VIP wristbands?
OK that’s HOW for NOW. We’ll be back with more breaking news next Friday so tune in then. And remember if Giving Head(lines) makes you gag, remember to share it with everyone you ever met so they can be as well informed as you are about literally everything that matters. If it’s not covered in this column, it basically didn’t happen.