Gay comedian Paul Foot on miraculous moment that ended his 30-year-long battle with depression

This article is about a single moment in my life – or, to be precise, three seconds of my life. Three seconds which changed me forever. Three seconds that were more important than all the other seconds of my life up to that point put together.

It was 4.59pm on 20 March 2022. My life had reached a terrible low, an impasse from which there seemed no escape. I was suffering from severe depression – I had tried everything: medication, therapy, mindfulness. Happiness had evaded me my whole life. I’d promised myself that I’d go back on the medication that had kept me stable in the past and yet I didn’t want to live a life any more of being on those pills. I had promised myself that I would always keep going and yet I couldn’t bear the idea of carrying on like this. I felt utterly wretched, full of emotional pain, and with no good options. I felt like I was living in a nightmare.

And then suddenly, it was over. As I drove along a road in south Manchester, in a moment that felt at once extraordinary and ordinary, all of existence seemed to flow through me and my consciousness felt like it expanded a hundred times. Then everything was changed. I realised that the old anxious, irritable, angry, sad Paul was not my true nature. I knew immediately that 28 years of mental illness was gone and that I no longer needed the antidepressant medication and would never need it again. I felt deep peace that has lasted, undiminished, to this day. I felt present and connected to everyone and everything.

You may wonder whether such a cosmic experience as this caused me to brake sharply or swerve into a lamppost. The truth is, I simply carried on driving. The analogy I would give is what we all do every morning: wake up. When we’re asleep at night, most of us have all sorts of dreams, often very strange, sometimes quite harrowing, and it all seems very real at the time, while we’re in the dream. But when we wake up, we understand what has happened, we don’t clutch on to the bedside table, exclaiming, “Oh my god, I can’t believe it, it was all a dream!” We just wake up.

That is how it felt for me that day at 4.59pm in my car. Once I’d spent a few days getting used to this new and undeniably better way of living, with no anger, negativity or resentment and with every moment felt deeply and fully; I soon realised I just had to write a show about my experience. There were a few technical issues to resolve, naturally, like how to make 28 years of depression funny, how to take the audience on a one-hour tightrope between absurd silliness and profundity, and whether or not to include a rant about King Tutankhamen; but I soon sorted these things out.

Performing my stand-up show Dissolve has been a revelation. I’m used to people telling me how funny they’ve found it, but what’s been amazing with this show is how much it’s resonated with the audience. Immediately after an early performance, while the crowd was still applauding, a man ran on to the stage. Unable to see properly, with the bright stage lights still in my eyes, I was rather alarmed. It turns out he just wanted to give me a gigantic hug. So many people have told me of their own experiences of depression and quite a few have had their own miraculous moments of healing. I have received hundreds of beautiful messages, and not just from the audience – sometimes they’re from the technicians and stage managers who work at the theatres.

One moment lingers in my memory: after a show, I was in the foyer talking to members of the audience. People were coming up to me and telling me about their experiences, either with depression, or trauma, or even recovery. Some people wanted to hug me, some people were quite tearful (in a positive way), and the man who was running the venue said to my manager, “Does Paul have a lot of family in tonight?” I have felt this wonderful atmosphere that Dissolve has created wherever I’ve taken it.

Since the incredible event of 20 March 2022, I have been busily living in the moment. To borrow a phrase from an audience member who’d had a similar experience, everything has been the same but different. There are still struggles and ups and downs; however, everything is so different and better when you are centred in truth and peace and no longer blown about by the winds of ego and mood.

I am delighted that the filmed special of Dissolve is now released and will reach a wider audience. I hope that, as well as laughing about lots of silly things, many will find hope, comfort and positivity in the show and my story.

Paul Foot’s stand-up special Dissolve, produced by 800 Pound Gorilla, is out now. You can buy it here.