Myra Dubois offers advice on readers’ critical mothers and stinky pussies (EXCLUSIVE)

As seen on television, star of stages and screens both large and small, popular on either side of the hemisphere and beyond, the multi-award-winning Ms Myra DuBois humbly answers your problems. Do you have a critical mother who pushes marriage onto you every time you go on a date, or a partner who has a stinky pussycat? The drag legend and now West End performer attempts to resolve your problems, to the best of her experienced capabilities.

When are you getting married?

Hi Myra, 

I think I’m doing OK. I’m single but happy, and my work as a freelance gardener has never been better. I have a large list of clients whose gardens I enjoy tending to. Life is pleasant.  

The problem is my mother. If I share anything with her, be it a guy I went on a date with or a new client, she’ll quip “Well, let’s hope this one leads to something better,” as if everything in my life has so far flopped. Mum has only ever worked in the local chemist, so anything freelance is incomprehensible to her. It feels like every date that doesn’t end in marriage was worthless, or unless I land a giant landscaping gig for the National Trust, I’m a professional failure.  

How do I communicate to her that I’m thriving at life on my own terms? 

Thanks in advance, 

Jonathan, Wallington 

Dearest Jonathan, 

As a wise teapot once said: it’s a tale as old as time. Your mother wants the best for you, that’s how she sees it. She’s been writing fanfiction of your future since the day you were born, and that’s what you’re up against. They’re not expectations, but they are hopes.  

The best first step would be to show her a little grace. As you acknowledge, she might not know what professional success might look like for a freelance gardener – so tell her. Was a client particularly satisfied with your work? Tell her how that made you feel. Are you helping Doris, the old dear next door, prune a clematis she can no longer reach? Tell your mother this.

As for the love life; it’s a tough one. Gay marriage brought parental expectations with it, didn’t it? Gays can get married now, so why aren’t you? Tell her you enjoy connecting with a few people and don’t want to commit right now, but you’re open to it in the future. The fanfiction your mother wrote for you would have involved a wife and children, I’m afraid, and once you came out (assuming you have), she’ll have wanted a facsimile of that. You may never have a wife and children, but it’s likely your mother has never been fucked in a sling in Vauxhall. Life offers many avenues of fulfilment. Tell her that. 

Fondly, Myra DuBois 

Pet hates

Dear Myra, 

I hate my partner’s cat. I’ve just moved into his place, but it stinks like a litter tray. What do I do?! 

Freddie, Crawley 

Dearest Freddie, 

I hate to state the obvious, but the cat was there first. However, I sympathise. Do you watch the soaps? Sometimes an actor quits the show (for example, if they’ve got caught doing coke with a children’s TV presenter in the toilets of a gastropub), but their character hasn’t been written out yet, so they exist purely off-screen. The remaining characters will say “Oh, Sharon was just here, she says hi” or “Sharon just texted, she can’t come to the party now,” or even “Did you hear about Sharon? She fell in a blender; she’s in hospital for three weeks or else she’d be here.”  

Do that. Re-home the cat ethically (you’re welcome, animal lovers) and when questioned, explain to your partner that Tiddles just went in the other room. “Tiddles is having a long, hot bath,” you can say. You might have to keep some cat food out and get creative with the litter tray to maintain a sense of presence. Then continue the plot. “Oh, Tiddles? She’s in the spare room gambling online.” “Tiddles? She must have been out all night. I think Tiddles is seeing other people…” And then eventually, “I’m afraid Tiddles moved into a new-build semi in the commuter belt with a Polish landscape gardener called Maurice that she met in a poker chat room.” Your partner will be devastated, but happy for Tiddles’ new life and will at least enjoy the juicy storyline. 

Bonne merde avec ton chat, mon ami. 

Fondly, Myra DuBois 

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This feature appears in Attitude’s November/December 2026 issue.