entertainment

RuPaul's Drag Race Ru-cap: 'Shady B*tches vs Lady B*tches'

2016-03-16
Episode two opens with the gang reeling from Naysha’s elimination. Naomi ponders if survivor Laila McQueen is more ‘entourage’ than she is star. Personally, I’m getting that little blue Sadness character from Inside Out, but whatever. After a revealing mini-challenge, in which everyone is a stereotype and no-one except Cynthia looks good, it’s revealed Thorgy Thor doesn’t shave her legs (apparently First Wave Feminism has reached the workroom). Kim Chi, on brand as ever, dances like a Pokémon. Namely Jigglypuff. Interesting side note: Naomi being picked second to last is reminiscent of Violet last season, and look how that turned out. Poor Kim Chi gets picked last with a forlorn ‘I wouldn’t pick me either’ and instantly captures the hearts of the entire world. tumblr_o1wnayoyNy1qdv1cwo1_500 Into the main challenge and Cynthia and Chi Chi head up teams of rival acapella lip-synch groups. Well isn’t Acid Betty a DELIGHT? What a knob honestly. On RuPaul’s Drag Race you can be as shady as you like providing you’re also RIGHT. Raja, Bianca Del Rio and Ginger Minj are living proof that we, as viewers, are willing to tolerate some highly salty behaviour as long as it’s also the T. I saw no fault in Chi Chi’s leadership style. If anything, instructing the group to learn their parts before launching into choreography was solid advice. That said, as someone who can’t stop talking about how hood he is, Chi Chi grasses on Betty before you can say ‘snitch’. Not cool, Chi Chi, tell it to the ‘Shade Tree’. WTF? Are FormDécor back on set? The main stage performance was excellent – The Shady Bitches clearly outperforming the Lady Bitches by some considerable margin. Before we assess individual performances can we all discuss how autotune maestro Lucian Piane becomes more fuckable with every passing season. Yes, Silver Fox, come through. Oh, and Michelle looked very pretty tonight too. In call out order, here’s my ratings for the week: Chi Chi Devayne Chi_Chi_DeVayne-510x550 OK, she was dynamite in the performance. Upside-down splits? Yes, queen. Also, and I didn’t predict this, I LIKE Chi Chi. She’s canny casting: she’s SEEN things, you guys, she’s seen GUNS. That said, Michelle clocked that Basic Drag 101 red dress. I’m afraid I still don’t see Chi Chi as a serious contender. B Acid Betty Acid_Betty-510x550 It pains me to say it, as she’s so aggravating, but Acid Betty was amazing in both the performance and on the runway. The hat and wig were gorgeous and I didn’t loathe the La Senza lampshade around her ankles either. A- Thorgy Thor Thorgy_Thor-510x550 ‘Hi. Is that Thorgy Thor? Great. This punch thing you’re obsessed with doing? Yeah. Not actually funny. At all. Thanks, buh-bye.’ Oh she’s still hugely likeable, a remedy to Acid Betty’s Kanye ego, and I loved the spangly jumpsuit. B+ Naomi Smalls Naomi_Smalls-510x550 Utterly gorgeous, as you’d expect, but also not half bad in the performance. I’m pretty sure she was tripping over her runway dress at the end, mind you. C+ Bob The Drag Queen bobo Hmmm. Not exactly blown away by Bob this week. Is it just me or are the wigs a bit well…cheap? It could just be that the Lady Bitches just weren’t as funny as the Shady Bitches, but I was also underwhelmed by Bob’s runway look. One wonders if she’s clever enough to know Ru loves improvement as much as polish (see Michelle’s comment to Acid Betty). C Derrick Barry Derrick_Barry-510x550 It’s Ginger Britney, bitch. C Cynthia Lee Fontaine Cynthia-Lee-Fontaine-RuPauls-Drag-Race-Season-8-Drag-Queen-510x670 Sweetly inoffensive, although someone should tell her the telenovela challenge was three seasons ago. The Puerto Rican girls often stumble and fall around Snatch Game but I’d much rather see Cynthia progress than say… C Robbie Turner Robbie_Turner-510x550 I’m not sure I ‘get’ what Robbie is bringing to the party. I suppose she gets a charitable point for ‘most improved’ but as she didn’t wear dog food on her tits that’s pretty much a given. C Kim Chi Kim_Chi-510x550 Adorable virgin Kim Chi was left until the last three for nothing but dramatic purposes. Her lip synch was fine, and while she dances like a dustbin, she made it work with her kawaii schoolgirl thing. What’s more, her cherry blossom inspired number was, as the kids say, ‘on fleek’. As for the walk? Go back and watch Pearl attempt to walk in heels last season. Is this where we discuss Acid Betty hitting on Kim Chi? Take the heels off, Kim, and run. B+ DaxExclamationPoint and Laila McQueen bottom 2 Let’s deal with this shit shower in one go. Firstly, it’s pretty rich of Dax to forget Laila’s name. I literally had to google which one she was to come away with ‘oh yeah, “Storm”’. Laila, during the performance, did resemble the illegitimate lovechild of Pandora Boxx and Tori Spelling, for which she deserves nothing but admiration. That said, ladies, it’s I Will Survive. RuPaul’s expression was one of pure icy hatred that can be translated as ‘you do NOT come to the Olympics of Drag and lipsynch to I Will Survive while half-arsedly wafting your arms around, not even crying or self-harming, before pulling off your dress to resemble Britney’s VMA performance of Gimme More.’ Both were booted. Both had it coming. I mean, by now, I Will Survive is so done to death it would have only been interesting had Laila set fire to her face and Dax birthed a live squid. Of course, the REAL question is ‘who did Ru pretend to phone?’ I suppose we have three options: 1. Naysha gets a reprieve. Really bitch? I mean she was pretty but not Courtney Act pretty. 2. A girl from another season returns a la Shangela in Season 3. Hmmm, it’d need to be someone who didn’t get a fair crack last time around…Max? Mrs Kasha Davis? Or 3. An entirely new ‘wildcard’ option is added to the mix. Exciting stuff. This season, Ru don’t play. Words: Juno Dawson More stories: Olly Murs: 'I'm 20% gay' Mel B calls Victoria Beckham ‘ a bit of a bitch’, admits beating up a member of All Saints