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Ask Jack: 'I'm dating an amazing guy but our sex drives are completely out of whack!'

Jack of Hearts tackles your teen sex and relationship problems from top to bottom.

2018-10-30

Over the next few weeks, 17-year-old Jack Rothman, the fictional gay protagonist of Jack of Hearts (And Other Parts) by LC Rosen - which is available to download to your Kindle for just 99p for a limited time only - will be answering all your questions about gay sex, relationships, and navigating the tricky world of LGBT teen life.

If you've got a question you'd like answering, email [email protected] (all details will be kept strictly anonymous), and Jack will draw from his, erm, wealth of personal experience (trust us) to offer his advice.

Hi Jack,

Here’s the situation. I'm dating an amazing guy but our sex drives are completely out of whack! He would happily get down to it two/three times a day, whilst I'm really only in the mood two/three times a week.

I feel bad as we're both 19 and therefore I'm definitely the one letting the side down.

He's really great at not making me feel bad, and I do try and meet him half way, but I can tell sometimes how frustrated he is that we can't have sex as often as he'd like. Any tips?

-Libidos Out Of Synch

Dear LOOS-

Let me be upfront about the fact that long term relationships are not my specialty.  But libidos kind of are.  Yeah, we all have horniness cycles, but in my experience, they’re not as regular as you seem to be describing. 

They’re much more malleable than that.  The issue I think you’re having here is this idea that guys should be READY TO GO at a moments notice.  But sometimes, we need a little foreplay, too (blowjobs are not foreplay). 

So here’s my first recommendation: start taking stock of when you ARE in the mood.  What’s different?  Is he doing anything specific that’s turning you on?  Is it a particular time of day?  Is it the weekend, so you have less to worry about? 

Or maybe it’s something else – he’s just out of the shower and his hair is wet, or your roommate might come back at any second.  Because I don’t think what’s getting you in the mood is something like “it’s Tuesday.” 

It’s probably sometimes more complicated than that, and if you identify it, you can work together to make that scenario happen more often. 

He can hop in the shower so his hair is wet, or he can wait until all your work is done and you know you’re set for the evening.  Now, there is some stuff it’s harder to make happen more often. 

I know guys who just don’t have sex during the week – school work is top priority, and fun is for weekends, and if that’s how you’re thinking, you need to figure out a way to either get him to understand that, or, if you don’t like that that’s how you’re thinking, to figure out a way to give yourself permission to get turned on on a school night. 

It might also be the kind of sex you’re having. Getting pounded in the ass feels great when it’s happening, but it can sometimes take a day or two to recover. 

But there’s so much more to sex than anal – if he’s always after the same thing, maybe a compromise would be different types of sex.  And let me point out, too, that sex can be plenty fun without an orgasm. 

Kissing, touching, caressing – honestly, the stuff before the orgasm is sometimes better than the actual cumshot, and if you’re still enjoying all that, then you can tell him so. 

“That was amazing, I don’t need to cum” sounds like you’re lying, I know, because as guys we’ve been trained to see the orgasm as the sex, but if you’re having a good time, you’re having a good time. 

Just because you don’t eat the cherry on top doesn’t mean you didn’t enjoy the rest of the sundae.  So if you’re having fun, but can’t cum, don’t worry about it, and make sure he doesn’t worry about it either – just have fun.  He may get more orgasms, but you both get plenty of sex. 

And finally, he can always jerk off.  In fact, even if you’re not horny, you can help him out with that – either posing and talking dirty to him or just studying in a sex position in your skivvies. 

Just make sure you’re both on the same page – having him walk in to you laid out ass up on the bed in a jockstrap but then not being in the mood will feel like a serious cock-tease. 

And if you don’t think it’s fun to just be there, turning him on, porn is nothing to get jealous about.  If you want to participate, you can even ask him to “review titles” for you guys to watch together later. 

I don’t know much about love and relationships, but getting off is more complicated than the world would have us believe, and it shouldn’t be something you feel forced to do on command. 

Figure out what’s working for you, use it, and if it really is just “I can’t have sex for a few days after orgasming” help him get off in ways that are fun for you  – even if not orgasmically so.